Painting! And more baby pictures...

Evie discovered toys this week! She reached out for a wooden rattle I'd hung up above her while I took Finn to the toilet and was happily swinging it back and forth a minute later. Later in the week, she lay on the rug and jingled a mirror toy we've borrowed from the toy library (ages ago...must return it!). It's funny to think she's three months old already yet I wasn't expecting this yet - I can't believe how quickly time slips by and I just want to freeze each moment to return to later.

I love the photos, and I treasure the memories and try to write as many down as possible, but it's all the other things too, things I can't bottle and preserve - their smell, the way they yawn, the incredible softness of their tiny cheeks and feathery hair. I really feel that Evie is our last, and I hope we don't change our minds as I'm so excited about seeing my three grow up and sharing many more adventures with them as they get older, but I can't believe how nostalgic I feel already. So I'm photographing every moment I can so I don't regret not doing so - and I keep meaning to take more video too.

This footprint was made by Evie when she was 12 weeks old, her foot was painted by her big brother, who was 2 1/2! And here's a picture of him on his second night in his own bedroom (no I wasn't organised enough to take a photo the first night!) - the first night he slept eleven hours straight and I was awake all night worrying that he'd wake up and be scared. Since then, he has come into our bed between one and five am every night, at which point Phil usually goes to sleep in his bed! But he loves having his own bedroom and it's starting to resemble an engine shed...

Ah, these delicious children! I've had a good(ish!) week with my big girl too - she's looking so gorgeous but so grown up now. We had a lovely talk about the moon this week and we're planning to have a sleepover tomorrow as the friend who was coming over is ill - I suggested we made popcorn and watched a film as Phil has a gig and she agreed as long as we can have a midnight feast (not at midnight, she has promised!) and she can sleep in our room!

My friend sent this email this morning and it's perfect. I've printed it out and put it on the fridge and I wanted to share it here too, to remind me again.

Don't Quit


When things go wrong as they sometimes will,

When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,

When the funds are low and the debts are high

And you want to smile but you have to sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit,

Rest, if you must, but don't you quit,

Life is queer with its twists and turns,

As every one of us sometimes learns,

And many a failure turns about

When he might have won had he stuck it out.

Don't give up though the pace seems slow -

You may succeed with another blow.

Success is failure tuned inside out

The silver tint of the cloud of doubt,

And you never can tell how close you are -

It may be near when it seems so far.

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit:

It's when things seem worst

You must not quit



Anon

I gave the children massages last night - mainly because I was feeling a little disconnected myself and hoped it would help us all to relax. Also, I've been taking Evie to a baby massage session for a couple of weeks and it's really reminded me that I used massage so often when the others were littler, but have let it drop as they've grown older - Finn is still just a baby so needs it a lot, and Chloe has always loved it as a brilliant way to connect and keep 'in touch', literally! So I felt I'd been a bit neglectful in that.

But, further to all that, I've realised recently that I still really love giving massage and doing bodywork - I did a short reflexology course when Chloe was little and I have always wanted to train in massage, and eventually reflexology, but have never felt I could afford to. I still can't but I'm honouring the fact that it's something I really want to do - passing whims don't last fifteen years - and that it would be well worth saving up for. So this is my serious commitment to myself, to work towards it. I realise I always seem to be training for something, and at the moment I'm not using any of my qualifications at all (well, I'm doing postnatal teaching/facilitating but can't do doula work until the littlies are bigger!) but I think this is something that would fit really well with my hopes for the future and my other flexible careers!

I've also admitted to myself recently that although I love all the things I do and feel very lucky to be able to be beginning a journey working with people I like being with, doing things I love doing and fitting it all in around my family, there is something missing. What I really, really want to do is write. I could wallpaper several towns with the discarded articles, stories, poems, books I've started but not finished, and I always blame 'time'. And actually, I don't have time to commit to being a real writer at the moment. But I know that I want to, and that I will be nurturing this desire and aiming to make it possible in the future - and that's a big admission for me!

Baby hands and baby feet

Oh my goodness, it's so hard having children! I just want to look at my babies every single minute of the day and yet we spend hours doing mundane rubbishy things like sorting out, cleaning up and arguing about how many texts a daughter should be allowed to send from her mother's phone before her mother explodes...

Evie is going to be our last baby, and it's heartbreaking. Not because I want any MORE babies, but because I miss the babies I have so much already. I love every second of seeing them grow into bigger children (well, almost every second - the mobile phone arguments are a little tedious, to be honest) but I also wish I could preserve every minute of the journey and freeze time so that now and then I could pop back to when they were totally new, tiny and mouse-like, just to remind myself what it was really like. So this week I have been trying really hard to capture the moments that I don't think I can live without photographing. I think Phil thinks I am insane every time I rush downstairs shouting 'where's the camera? I need a picture of her feet!' but I think he'll value them as much as I do when we're real grown ups who have time for such luxuries as sleep and time to do our own thing.

This seems very poignant tonight, as my gorgeous curly-topped boy, has gone to bed in the spare room for the first time ever tonight. He seems such a baby to me, and has flatly refused all suggestions that we make the spare room into a bedroom for him - preferring his mattress on our floor shared with daddy most of the night - but tonight he told us firmly that this room is his house and happily fell asleep in it (after the usual 76 green bottles...) I'm kind of hoping he wakes up and comes in with us early on in the night, though, as I know I won't sleep for worrying he'll wake up and be scared!

So here is the little lady who is currently pulling at my heartstrings 24/7

She is so calm, so peaceful. I feel blessed to have such a settled and relaxed baby, and I wish I'd known how to make it more like this for my first two - especially my first one, really. Just look at these feet!

And some scrumptious, wrinkled little fingers, with a delicious arm attached!
And because she is so peaceful, I'm starting to be able to do some of the crafty projects I've been dreaming of for months but haven't had the energy to do. Knitting! Finally, after two years of concerted effort and a few wonky scarfs, I have created something that is recognisable as an actual thing!!! Okay, this is my practise pair and they're wonky and have a few holes in, but I'm making some as a present for a friend and they're better. Far from perfect, but I'm so proud of them that it's a little bit ridiculous!
And something else I'm proud of:

I do resent the time I'm spending sorting this house out for moving (especially since we don't actually have anywhere to move TO yet but have to leave our gorgeous house in a month...), but it was worth the time it took to be obsessive when Chloe and I created a new system for our crafting stuff - one set of boxes for sewing stuff, one for wool and patterns and one for papercraft stuff - which has yet to be completed, hence all the mess in the background of this picture! Not comparable with the heartstrings photos, but satifying nonetheless!

I desperately want to blog more - I really love the process and the record of our days - and I'm hoping I'll find more time and energy now that I'm getting more sleep and feel more positive about getting through the house-sort. Here's hoping!