Funniest things...

I have had many reasons to doubt my sanity this week - this morning, for example, we started the day with Finn knocking a glass of water over, on top of all the books, writing and photos I keep on my bedside table...closely followed up by Evie managing to poop on Finn's carpet (the nicest one in the house) in the doorway, so that opening the door managed to spread it all over...you get the picture.

Last week, Phil pulled up on the driveway and asked Finn, who was standing on the driveway with his sisters, if he had had a good day. Our boy politely responded, "Yes, thank you, Daddy. The kitchen is actually on fire." And it was, a little bit. Six tea towels, a tile, a pastry brush and a bowl later, I am much more careful about where I leave the bread to rise, and very, very grateful that it wasn't much worse! And also very pleased that our biggest girl is so very sensible and calmly took the others outside while I sorted out the situation.

So today, the children have mostly been rowing around the lounge in their boat:And I have had a few spare minutes to reflect on ways to retain my sanity throughout the insane moments. Last week, with PMT and stress overtaking, I discovered that stomping across the fields for ten minutes was a great stress relief, but even better was having my camera with me - focusing on what I'm snapping is a great way to focus myself on the beautiful stuff all around me, which makes it easier to deal with the less beautiful!
Autumn is my favourite season :-) xx

A place that fits

We've found a place that fits us, at last! I've been taking Finn to groups all over the place for years, trying to find somewhere that felt right and hoping it was the settings that were making him lose all his confidence in public and not want to join in. We've been to groups on farms, groups in halls, groups in the woods...all lovely, I've enjoyed most of them, but he's not relaxed at any of them and has never been enthusiastic about going back. It's been quite surprising to me everytime, because at home, and with friends and family - and the local shopkeepers! - he's very chatty, confident and secure. Anyway, yesterday we went to a parent and child group at a forest school nearby. They are a small school for 6-16 year olds but are also setting up a kindergarten as well as the group we have joined. I expected the usual procedure whereby I try to cajole Finn into joining in while he eats his way through our snacks and does his best to ignore me and the rest of the group. HE LOVED IT!!!!!! He was wobbly at first because he wanted to go inside and see the classrooms but that's the bit for bigger children... so we walked up to the forest and discovered the outdoor classroom with shelters and seating areas and a storage tent, and he was delighted. I don't know if it was the structure he liked, but he really liked the teacher who ran the session, he listened to the story and remembered it later, he was enthusiastic about joining in with the activities and playing games and he did the actions to the songs he knew!! This is incredible to me - he has NEVER in his life done an action to a song in public - he loves them and sings them to himself but barely even lets me see him doing the actions, and here he was standing in a circle of new people, joining in. I was stunned! And very pleased because it was a really lovely group. He asked to go back again today and can't wait for next week! We made the little creatures above from clay dug from the pond bank - ours are on the far side, a hedgehog looking like a pig and a baby owl/furball type affair.

And we went to the park with Grandma afterwards. This little girl loves the swing! And this little boy loves to climb! He's been watching his big sister on the climbing wall and I think he's been taking notes!

We just got back from a lovely firework display - I love fireworks and Phil is gigging all weekend so we went to a big event tonight instead - spent too much on jacket potatoes and fairground rides for the children, but had a wonderful time. The looks on their faces were magical :-)

I wrote a long list of things I'm letting go of for Samhain, and the things I want to welcome in instead. One of those I'm welcoming is more space to think and be for myself - and writing this blog helps me focus on that. I'm using the notebook beside my bed again too, which feels very indulgent but I hope it'll become more normal with time as I'd love it to be part of my routine.

Getting into the spirit...

I've never really 'got' Halloween before - doorbells going mad, children eating sweets etc etc etc. Today I got it. It's one more celebration we can choose to embrace, or not, to make life a little bit sweeter - quite literally, in some cases! So, with an excited little boy, I made spider cakes:And with a couple of stylish costumes from the charity shop, I had two little helpers who delightedly opened the door and gave out treats. I also had a very glamourous witch, but all those photos have her friends in, too, so I can't post them here.

Yes, I don't like dressing up outfits for babies, and yes, I don't like sweets. But today, we had fun and laughter and excitement - and that was worth it for me!

Funny girls

This morning, the big sister put the little sister in a dolly's pushchair and pushed her around the lounge for half an hour. Just look at those delicious toes! The little sister found this very funny (so did the big sister, and the brother, too!) and the mummy thought lots about time passing and how lovely it is to see these children playing together and loving each other so much.

This picture shows the same pushchair, almost nine years ago, seating a tiny girl who is now the big sister... We had our plans cancelled today so we've had an enforced day of catching up - wandering around a camping shop, watching the big girl on the climbing wall and then doing our shopping. It's the first time we've all been to the supermarket together since the littlest girl was born, I think. It reminded me why I hate shopping! The children were far more patient than I was and we only managed to forget half of the things on the list. It was very mundane but so nice to be out with everyone together, and nicer still to come home together and be snuggly inside while the wind and rain torrent outside. I love this little piece of perfection, here in our untidy, noisy, busy house in this confusing, crazy, sad and beautiful world. I feel so thankful for all of it today xx

Learning...

It's funny how much learning happens when we're not looking. This is what '7' looks like, written in fridge poetry! My boy tells me he made it there so I would see it - perhaps he was trying to deflect my noticing the black fingerprints around it...Puzzles are tricky things, with all those edges and straight bits and pictures that need matching up. He's always struggled with them but yesterday things clicked a bit and he did a lot of them by himself. Lots of vehicles!And cooking - bigger people teaching littler people and letting them help with cake-making...

Thinking about the future...

So today I'm trying very hard to be restrained and quiet instead of yelling or 'helping' while my boy paints several hundred saltdough creations, his hands, the table, the chairs...no, wait, I need to intervene now.

I'm trying to 'be' more. I'm aware I'm more than a little of a control freak, I like things to be done my way and I like to 'manage' stuff. This is not great for allowing the children to develop their own sense of responsibility, and is not great for my stress levels. So here I am, biting my tongue, sitting on my hands and trying not to scream.

And while I sit, I'm thinking about the future. I'm getting lots of opportunities to work/volunteer and to explore new ideas at the moment - it's almost a bit overwhelming because we don't have that much time in the week (and, of course, everything seems to happen on the same day) but it's exciting! But it is bringing a whole set of questions with it. Do I want to be doing all these things? Where is the future going to be brightest? I don't want to answer this with regard to finances, but logically, I know that should be a consideration. None of the things I love are ever going to earn me a living, some of the things I love aren't even possibilities - I want, want, want to write but just don't have time to squeeze it in right now, just look how hard it's been to commit regularly to this blog! But I am loving making time for it this week...

I guess the answer lies in 'being' again. I need to stress less and try to control things less. It's hard - every fibre in me is screaming to come up with a plan and work it all out, but I know that each time I do, something else turns up to tell me the world has different plans.

Right, painting over (yes I am breathing a huge, internal sigh of relief), onwards and upwards...xx

Uh oh!

Yes, this is quite a long way up our stairs, and yes, she got there by herself... I wasn't ready for this! This baby didn't even want to sit up until she was 7.5 months and didn't bother to crawl until 10 months - and now there's no stopping her!

We had a well earned day-off and went to the Miniature Pony Centre with my mum. It was lovely, despite boy feeling under the weather and all the staff seemingly on misery-pills. Evie LOVES animals, especially ponies, and Finn just loves the little pedal diggers! Had a nice catch up with my mum and it was great to actually spend a day out together rather than have her babysitting while I'm working or doing something else!

Scooting...

Finn scoots everywhere. To school with his big sister, to the shops, to the park, to meet his sister after school, around the close where we live for hours and hours and hours... but only downhill. So mummy is building up her muscles, pulling boy + scooter all day long!

Today we went to a local farm with a lovely farm shop and cafe. The boy had delicious ice cream (yes, it was a very cold day but hey ho) and we fed chickens and played in the sandpit for hours. It was so lovely - I felt a bit sad that he didn't have any company his own size, but we had a great time anyway and the rest of our week will be quite busy and sociable. I guess that will be less of a worry as his little sister races to become a more active playmate, too!

Naming Day

We held Evie's Naming Day yesterday, as we had Finn's around his first birthday too and it worked well. Lots of friends and family were here - far more than I'd estimated! - and we had a lovely day, lots of delicious food and a wonderful poem read by Chloe.

The garden looked magical, with some of the beautiful bunting my mum made for my sister's wedding. Luckily, the weather was good! The house felt a little full so it was great that we could all sit outside.I wasn't able to find a spiral bound book like the other two have got, but this one has beautiful handcut edges on each page and I found these gorgeous ceramic buttons to decorate it with. And it's full of lovely messages now, including the Desiderata, which I almost included myself as I'd had it in my head all morning, but my friend who was our doula at Evie's birth had brought it to write in!
It was a lovely (busy!) day celebrating our littlest girl and I feel very lucky to have such lovely families and friends around us, sharing in our lives.

On the Night You Were Born

by Nancy Tillman

On the night you were born,
The moon smiled with such wonder
That the stars peeked in to see you
And the night wind whispered,
“Life will never be the same.”
Because there had never been anyone like you…ever in the world.
So enchanted with you were the wind and the rain
That they whispered the sound of your wonderful name.
It sailed through the farmland
High on the breeze…
Over the ocean…
And through the trees…
Until everyone heard it
And everyone knew
Of the one and only ever you.
Not once had there been such eyes,
Such a nose,
Such silly, wiggly, wonderful toes.
When the polar bears heard,
They danced until dawn.
From faraway places,
The geese flew home.
The moon stayed up until
Morning next day.
And none of the ladybugs flew away.
So whenever you doubt just how special you are
And you wonder who loves you, how much and how far,
Listen for geese honking high in the sky.
(They’re singing a song to remember you by.)
Or notice the bears asleep at the zoo.
(It’s because they’ve been dancing all night for you!)
Or drift off to sleep to the sound of the wind.
(Listen closely…it’s whispering your name again!)
If the moon stays up until morning one day,
Or a ladybug lands and decides to stay,
Or a little bird sits at your window awhile,
It’s because they’re all hoping to see you smile…
For never before in story or rhyme
(not even once upon a time)
Has the world ever known a you, my friend,
And it never will, not ever again…
Heaven blew every trumpet
And played every horn
On the wonderful, marvelous
Night you were born.

Birthday!

Wow, I can't believe this little girl is one already!

She had her very first piece of cake (excluding the flapjack her big brother posted in her mouth last week...) and was very pleased with it!She had a lovely day, ignoring all her presents and giggling at our singing! We were really pleased that most people agreed with us that we really didn't need more 'stuff' in the house and so Evie was given some beautiful things to keep forever and some lovely clothes. She had some lovely toys, but nothing excessive. I made her an octopus - she loves noisy things so Finn was delighted to help me put rice in an egg inside it to make it shakey!

She's catching up!

This little girl is desperate to run around with her bigger sister and brother - she watches them playing, running, cycling, trampoling and cackles along with them. And today she got one step closer to joining them - look how proud she is now that she can stand up all by herself! And like the others, she did this when she was on her own in the room - it's so funny that they seem to practise before they're ready to share their new skill! Wow, almost a year old.

The smug factor

I only started making bread for the smug factor, but actually it works out really well in our day, takes only a few minutes and means I can feel slightly better about the diet of my biggest girl, who will only eat white bread - but at least it's better for her than the horrid stuff she used to prefer. So I feel great about not having bought bread for over a month, although it means the rest of us have all eaten more wheat than we would have done! And just to balance it out, there's a rubbish tray of flapjacks in the background, which I just cooked far too high and ruined. But hooray for a good bread recipe at last!And the curtains! I had to cut the smaller pair down and you can't really see them in this picture, but look how straight the poles are... well done Phil, a much-coveted DIY point awarded here, I think! So pleased with them! And now I've blogged two days running, what a smug post this is. Vomit.

Long time no blog...

Why does time insist on running so fast?! And why do I always put off writing my blog until I 'have time'? Why don't I learn that I will never have time and just enjoy posting what I can, when I can?!

So seasons have changed again - probably twice since I last posted! We went to a lovely family wedding last week, on the hottest October day on record (!), and this glamourous, funny girl decided she wants to become a photographer when she's older. This camera was borrowed from an aunty so we haven't seen the pictures yet! And at home, this tiny girl is almost a year old! It's her birthday and Naming Day next weekend and I can't believe she's been here a year already. Her first six months were so manic that I barely drew breath, let alone had time to fully appreciate her. Here she is, watching her bigger siblings having a waterfight in the garden with the neighbours...I know she'll be toddling out to join in soon but right now she's content to watch and laugh!


Now that we're really at home in our new house, I feel so much more calm and content. And we finally changed the old fashioned washed-out-green-curtains-with-frilly-skirts for gorgeous deep red modern and cosy curtains in our lounge (which involved Phil putting up two curtain poles and me cutting down and hemming the curtains - we feel very proud of ourselves, like real grown-ups!) so I feel especially satisfied today :-)

And our little boy has been busy growing! He's shot up and now sleeps through most nights (with some help from the homeopath!) and can dress himself - more signs of time rushing away from me! He's discovered the Sylvanian house in the garage and has spent all weekend playing long, imaginative games with dolls house furniture, his fireman sam figure and a small soft toy dog (who is rather a lot larger than his owner...). It's so good to see these toys being played with again - although never before has a Lambourghini lived in the lounge!! This is his new treasure - a gift for being a ring-bearer at the afore-mentioned wedding - which he is completely awed by!

More soon, I promise myself...xxx

A better day...

It was like deja vu this morning. Car all packed, lovely day planned, children sitting/sleeping peacefully in the back... car won't start. Last week I cried. We missed our lovely Natural Learning Group on the farm and I spent most of the day feeling annoyed with the universe! Today it wasn't a full moon, so I had a more balanced approach to the disappointment...

We made cake first of all, experimenting with banana and carrot to replace the sugar and eggs. Really tasty but too much bicarb and no butter substitute that I'm happy to use has presented itself yet so too dairy-fied for Finn and Evie, really. Coconut oil is amazing with things like roast potatoes, I've discovered (having put off trying it for months!) as you can't taste coconut at all, but I can't get past it in cakes. Anyway, then we had a snack lunch and then 'relax' time.'Relax time' is new in our house. It's especially designed to preserve my sanity and give this little boy a chance to wind down, recharge and regain some calm for the rest of the day. He often sleeps in the car or the pushchair but finds it really hard to sleep at home so this has been a great introduction to some of our days. Finn loves helping me to get the blankets and cushions out on the floor, then we all lie down and listen to some relaxing music, courtesy of youtube. Sometimes it's a brief interlude in the chaos - a few minutes without water being poured on the carpet, toys being thrown in the toilet and paper being ripped up all over the place - and sometimes it ends like this, with my two babies (and me!) fast asleep in a pile of cosiness on the floor.

This little lady woke up first, in a lovely mood! Then Finn woke up and we carried on with the youtube theme, looking up lots of silly nursery rhyme videos and playing the instruments along with them. Finn's always loved music and Chloe has recently been teaching him samba rhythms so it was great to watch him encouraging Evie to drum too! And he gave me very strict instructions on how to play the xylophone!
Chloe had the school magazine club after school, which Phil is able to pick her up from as it's his early day. It's lovely not to have to walk up to school and today it meant we had time to go and explore the play house when the rain stopped. This is one of the reasons we bought this house! It's such a lovely garden and has been so well-loved. This play house was lovingly painted by the previous owner before we moved in, although his children are grown up now. Chloe and Finn both love this little space and I must admit to being very envious of it! We put the toy kitchen stuff out there as the house is smaller than our previous house so there isn't any space for them inside, so this afternoon Finn cooked potatoes (rocks) with salad (weeds) for Evie and I to savour...
Quite the little chef! A lovely day, in the end. I lost the will to live at tea time, when stir fry turned into rice-all-over-the-floor, but luckily Phil was happy to swap bathtime with hoovering time, and for once I preferred the option of more child-time to a quieter but infinitely less appealing clean-up. I suppose that's another sign that we had a good day, as usually I'm itching for some breathing space by this point! And the car battery is all charged and ready for another attempt at a farm day tomorrow... fingers crossed!

A lovely monday...

We went to the Devon APi (attachment parenting international) meeting today - it was lovely! Really inspiring speakers, lovely people and in a world where even your close friends think you're a little bit mental, it's very refreshing to spend a morning with like-minded parents. And it happens to be held just opposite the best wholefood supermarket I've ever been in, so today was a good afternoon in the kitchen!

Banana and date muffins - sugar free, gluten free and vegan - yay! So even the littlest girl can eat these, and she's very pleased about that!Muesli -ready-mixed breakfast for me as I'm feeling really run down and end up eating rubbish as it's quicker! I love mixing it up too, I just have to do it in big batches to save time. This one has oats, spelt, brazil nuts, mixed seeds and dried fruit. It would be better if it were gluten-free, but then it would cost four times more so this will do!And roast veg for tea - we had this with quinoa, which again, littlest girlie enjoyed more than the other two (and the floor may never recover...)! And while I cooked, the children entertained themselves for a whole twenty minutes! Musical instruments and lots of giggling...

I'm really busy with lots of projects at the moment, which is fun but exhausting - I don't want to let anyone down by messing up anything so I'm trying to be hyper-organised and quite enjoying not being late everywhere! Now I must take a sleepy baby to bed (to sling, actually, I still have masses of clearing up to do...) so I'm signing off xx

This little baby...

This girl makes me smile! She's a bundle of gorgeousness and she's learning to play with real food! I can't believe how quickly these seven (I wrote six-it's even worse than I thought!) months have flown by in a whirl of moving house and craziness. I think I'm in denial - hence how useless I've been with baby led weaning - the poor girl loves food and always wants what we're having but I keep forgetting to have meals she can eat (I know, blw is about eating family meals but I don't think that stretches to frozen pizza or takeaway...) so I've got my head in gear now and we're all back to eating normally again. In fact, Chloe ate a bowl of pasta with lentil bolognaise last night for the first time ever and I'm a little bit stunned! But this post is about Evie, and she doesn't get many things to herself...So here she is exploring rice and vegetables. It's funny, she sits on my lap because she's really too small for the highchair - Finn was twice her size at this age! - so she still feels like a tiny baby but she munches her way through the bowl like a trooper! And here she is modelling the latest shade of sweet potato and carrot soup. She found that very funny, dipping chunks of spelt bread in and spreading it across the table.

And she's sitting up now, too. She's loving the treasure basket I made for Finn's first Christmas and that's great because I can get five minutes at a time (and that's it. Limpet babies R us.) to play with my little boy blue (or wipe the surface or tidy away some rubbish or something else that's not as fun as playing!). We love 'Soundtracks', it's the best children's game ever!
It's amazing watching her grow, I just wish I could freeze-frame every minute!

That Full Moon Feeling...

I'm not sure if it's a good thing that I can tell it's a full moon by my mood and the tension in our family when I've totally lost track of moon cycles! This build-up to a full moon is such a tense time, I know that my imbalance sets everyone else off and it just spirals downhill. I think it's time for changes. I love the intentions that go along with the moon cycle but I really need some that last this time. I need to get the house, and my head, in order. I feel like a headless chicken much of the time and I really want to feel more settled and in control. And so that's the plan. A notebook by the bed and more headspace to think seem like a good place to start.

Being three...

I can hardly believe how quickly this time has flown, and how much of a baby my tiny boy still seems. I feel that I expected much more from Chloe at this age, that I saw her as much older than she really was. Three years is such a little time to have been on the Earth! But he has learned so much and grown so much already, it’s really amazing.

Finn had a train cake (of course) and a lovely Birthday weekend: a visit to the steam trains in Buckfastleigh, and three little friends round for a party in the garden. He loves the Happy Birthday song and just sang that to himself all day! On his actual birthday, Daddy and Chloe were at work and school so we went to visit Phil’s Mum and Grandma. It was lovely, they’d put balloons up and we had a lovely picnic in the park. After school, we went for another picnic at the river which is just a couple of minutes walk from our house (did I mention that already?!) and sang that song again…he's been dancing nonstop since then, too!

So he’s three. And at that tiny age, pre-school. Pre-school. Hmm. Finn’s always been really confident and sociable and has been really keen to go to this exciting place that other children talk about. And I’m working more now, so I duly registered him to start doing one session a week to ‘see how it goes’. And ‘how it goes’ is like this: He’s really excited, he talks about it all week, we go along, he’s bright and happy, he has fun, I stay a bit, I leave for a short while, I come back and we go home. Except that today he had a big fall so I came back when they phoned and stayed for the rest of the session. So it’s ok. He likes playing there and the staff and children are lovely. I don’t know how he’ll be next Friday after the fall today – and annoyingly, I have to work in Exeter so I won’t be flexible to stay all session if he wants me to. It just feels a little bit…pointless?

I can’t see him doing anything there that he can’t do at home (except that he likes the blue bike there and his bike here is red, ho hum), he is used to being listened to intently (not when 15 other children are also talking), to having the things he needs when he needs them (drinks, snacks, toilet, cuddles), to being able to play at his own pace and using his own imagination and creativity, to develop at his own rate… and he is just a tiny little boy. So we’re going to see what happens. To play there once a week is fine. To do more sessions and build up to full-time school (which is the usual plan) is not fine. I think we’ve pretty much decided that part-time schooling will be the way to go at least for the first year when he’s school age, so we have lots of time to think about it and see what will work best for him.

A day in the life of...

I'm feeling less like an Earth Mother and more like a frazzled firework at the moment! It's been five weeks since I had a landline or internet connection, we finally got it all sorted yesterday and it's such a relief! For half of that time, Chloe was on an amazing trip with my parents to visit my brother in America so being out-of-touch has been awful! But I'm back, plugged in and planning to blog my way back to sanity. So here's what our crazy existence is like right now:

Wake up way too early, listen to Phil slamming doors and stomping about getting ready for work, hoping (in vain) that he'll remember to take out the rubbish and check outside the kitchen door to see how many headless gifts the cat has left us. Play peepo throughout a two minute shower as smiley baby can't bear me to go out of her sight right now. Also watch small gorgeous boy prancing about on the bed in his pants and a wizard hat.

Attempt to converse with tired biggest girl and eventually give up trying to persuade her to get dressed as she's intent on feeding all of her soft toy animals. Throw random food at children and brush teeth, rushing out of house late as usual, stepping over a small bike and a banana on the doorstep...Sprint to school, thankful all the way that we no longer have to drive 15 miles down the motorway to get there, and say goodbye to biggest girl. Slowly walk back through town chatting to lots of people (and ignoring lots of looks at the rainbow sling which isn't discreet enough for this town...) and go to the farmers' market for lovely spelt bread and delicious-looking things from a veggie deli stall which has never been there before. Buy things as instructed for biggest girl to bake and ice tonight - she saw beautiful cupcakes for vast amounts of money at the market last week and plans to develop her icing skills as her cakes already taste better.

Pop into charity shop...and stay there for ages as they have lots of beautiful baby things and a lovely dress which fits me perfectly and will be great for one of the strings of weddings we have coming up! I haven't ever spent so much in a charity shop and I shouldn't have spent so much this week really but for £20 in all, these were amazing bargains.Walk back via park, where small boy drives the train and races around until it starts to rain, so walk home, step over the banana again and hang out the washing (on the covered washing line which is the best idea ever!). Have a minor dispute about where small boys should play (I think not in the middle of the road, he thinks it's fine), and then another about whether it's a good idea to walk in the firepit.

Come inside, build marble run (great breastfeeding activity!), change smiley baby's nappy and watch small boy dive over the back of a chair while attempting to write a blog post...and it's only just lunchtime.

I love it here. I really do. The house is characterless but friendly, light, practical and homely. The garden is a dream. The school is close and brilliant, the people are friendly and welcoming. And less than five minutes from our house we have this: For Daddies and biggest girls to swing, and for small boys to dance.

My baby is growing!

I can't believe how fast this time is going - she's five months old already! I want this time to go so slowly, but it's rushing by in a whirl of moving house stress and 2 hour school runs...I just want things to fall into place with the house move and for there not to be a new obstacle each day - I'm trying very hard to enjoy life regardless, but it's hard to keep feeling that I'm wishing this away.

It's all put into perspective though, as my doula teacher has been sending updates from a friend of hers in Japan. When I am reminded a hundred times a day that we are not in the midst of a natural or nuclear disaster, that we are so so lucky to be here and to be happy. Yes I would love the minor details of our house move to work out, and yes I would love for my children to be well and for there to be less stress in our lives and more time for blogging (!) but we are so blessed to be here and to be together.

I wish everyone a happy weekend xx

A masterpiece in the making

"Mummy, I am painting a train and an olive!" (red dot is an olive)

"And now the train has gone in a tunnel and it's very dark."